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As early as I can remember, I can remember hating my body.

 

Can you blame me? 

 

I am a product of the tabloid era I was raised in. 

 

I grew up in the age where every other commercial was for a diet pill or an “it girl” selling the idea that who you are right now will never be enough packaged up in a pink pressed powder compact. 

 

During the time where the whole world called Jessica Simpson, Alicia Silverstone, and Tyra Banks fat. 

 

AN INTERNATIONAL SUPERMODEL . . .fat? 

 

To my brain as a child, mainstream media became extremely harmful to me. 

 

I’ve heard diet culture being compared to pollution - hear me out. 

 

Industry pumps toxic chemicals, and pollutants into our air all the time.

 

Most people do not have a noticeable reaction to breathing our air like getting asthma for a very long time.

 

But some do get asthma at a young age and we know breathing in the toxic air in the environment likely contributes to it.

 

Diet culture pumps body hate into every tween magazine, kids tv show, and commercials selling the one size barbie dolls to little girls. Some children won’t have a noticeable negative reaction to it for a long time.

 

Some do.

 

I did.

 

I got sick from it. 

 

And all I was doing was breathing in air polluted with body shame and diet pills. 

 

The world chewed me up and spit me out selling to me the false idea that beauty looked a certain way all before the age of 12.

 

I did not see girls who looked like me on the tv.

 

I was not a “naturally slender child”. 

 

Sure I was always active. Playing soccer, dancing, and gymnastics. 

I did all the things outside school a kid was supposed to do to be accepted and fit in among their peers. Right? 

 

Wrong. 

 

I have always looked and been a little different than the ‘other girls’

 

I was a ‘freckle face’ before it was trendy to draw them on.

 

I had plump chubby cheeks. 

 

I had long fire-y hair.

 

I have vivid memories of classmates at my elementary school who liked to partake in ‘kick a ginger day’ from time to time. It was especially hard because I am the only person in my entire family with red hair. No one in my whole world understood my hurt. I would come home with welts on my legs from being kicked. 

 

My parents thought I needed to grow thicker skin. To be fair, I have always been the sensitive type. 

 

I was called fat more times than I can remember & not just from the kids on the playground. 

 

Grown ass adults called me fat, hell wii fit even said I was fat in 2008.

 

I remember crying myself to sleep wishing and praying I could be / look like anyone else other than me. I felt so alone, I turned to food for comfort. 

 

I was the ripe age of 8 when I became an addict. It started with food. I would come home from school and eat so much until I felt uncomfortably full. I would then sleep until dinner.

 

Of course this made my chubby cheeks even chubbier.

 

I hated the way I looked and desperately wanted to look different.  

 

It started with ‘sucking in’ and ‘skipping dessert’.

 

I was in middle school when the pretty girls started giggling about getting boyfriends. I still had outgrown my ‘baby fat’ still sporting the same chubby cheeks and thick thighs.

 

I felt I needed to change. I needed to shrink myself. 

 

 I was 12 years old when I developed an eating disorder.

 

I got the idea of starving, binging, and purging from a library book I got from my middle school

 

I saw it as my way out. 

 

In exchange, I lost myself for a long while.

 

It’s something that is hard to talk or think about for me to this day. When I speak about it my voice still exposes my hurt though its breaks and cracks. 

 

From the time I was elementary school until high school, I was a prisoner to to food. From binging, purging, starving, over exercising . . . I did it all , tried it all. . . . and no one knew I was intentionally setting fire to my young life. 

 

I remember being so cold to the touch all the time even when I wore big sweaters I was still freezing all the time. 

 

I remember my finger nails being weak and brittle much like my self esteem 

 

I remember washing my hair and clumps at a time would end up in hands.

 

I remember feeling so hideous all the time I would close my eyes when walking past the mirror.

 

I remember downloading ‘my fitness pal’ on my phone in high school and if I ate more than 1000 calories in a day I would make myself do jumping jacks until my head felt dizzy and I could not anymore.

 

I remember having a ‘tumblr’ account and scrolling ‘thinspo’ every time I my stomach rumbled so I wouldn’t “give in” and eat.

 

I remember inevitably ‘giving in’ and as ‘punishment’ sticking my fingers so far down my throat so I could ‘get it all out’.

 

I remember always measuring my wrists with my fingers, also tracing my collarbones and hip bones constantly. 

 

I remember my hands always being a little pale and shaky. 

 

I remember my breath always feeling shallow.

 

I remember my heart beat physically feeling strained at times. 

 

I remember sleeping all the time and never feeling fully awake. 

 

I remember never wanting to be awake.  

 

I remember my grades plummeting because I could hardly focus in class, my brain was busy considering ways I could shrink myself more.

 

I met with a tutor outside school for math once a week and was still barely passing. 

 

All the while my head was a calculator.

 

I could not tell you how to perform the Pythagorean theorem but I could tell you EXACTLY how many calories were in a piece of bread (white or whole wheat), an apple, a cucumber, a handful of sunflower seeds. You name it.

 

The most addictive part for me about my distorted eating habits is I was celebrated for it. 

 

My clothes fit better, people around me verbally noticed and ate up their praise like candy. 

 

The more I deliberately shrank my soul, the more praise I got from peers and adults I respected like soccer coaches, teachers, and others. 

 

It’s almost like us women are celebrated for shrinking our thoughts, boundaries, and waist lines. It’s an unsaid competition to determine which female can vacate themself the most. She will be the winner. 

 

It’s almost like eating disorders are the most socially accepted form of slow suicided because at least your jeans fit you well.

 

Fuck that. 

 

Eating disorders are the most deadly mental illness.

 

I am so grateful my illness did not cost me my life. 

 

I was 16 years old when everything changed

 

A lot happened in a short amount of time. . 

 

In the same year. I lost someone, and grieved for the first time.

 

I was also in a car accident that changed my entire life.

 

Everyone was okay in the end. Very grateful for that. 

 

I have seared it into my brain that this night was the best night of my life because it gave me a second chance and gave me reverence for life. 

 

It wasn’t until the second I saw the 1 ton truck headlights flash in the mirror beside me.

 

I braced.

 

I saw light.

 

I was scared. 

 

That is the moment I decided I want to live here on earth. 

 

The moment where I thought it could have ended was where my inner healing started.

 

My physical health took a blow. I was left with whiplash from the impact and I had slipped discs in my lower back. 

 

I was in pain a lot for the next few years. 

 

Different types of pain then I was used to.

 

More manageable. 

 

Just physical. 

 

I couldn’t sit at my desk for my 80 minute high school classes but at least I wasn’t obsessing all the time about ways to wither away anymore. 

 

It was hard. But I am different now. I had a reason to recover. I wanted to actually live. 

 

It was not easy.

 

I had to quit playing sports.

 

I was in pain all the time.

 

I again found myself searching for comfort outside of loving myself again.

 

It’s almost like my addictions have taken different forms. 

 

This time it was an abundance of sugar cookies & too many Friday nights drinks with my friends. 

 

When I was 18 years old I was the most out of shape, and most unhappy ever.

 

I was in a ton of physical pain, still had body dysmorphic thoughts, and my hormones & metabolism were a mess from years of damage.

 

My chiropractor recommended I try yoga to reduce the pain around this time.  

 

It was shortly after finding yoga I learned how powerful mindful habits really are.

 

I made yoga apart of my morning routine. 

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This inspired me to adopt more mindful habits.

 

Around this time I felt how amazing eating whole plant foods made me feel.

 

I was a nanny to 3 little ones at this time, and man could they run circles around me. 

 

I knew I had to acquire more habits to keep up with them and feel even better in and about my body.

 

It began with starting to talk to myself the way I spoke to the little ones in my life.

 

With kindness, light and the knowing that anything can be possible.

 

It was around this time I decided to like myself.

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I began to see my self purposed flaws as a beautiful thing.

 

I started to believe my freckles were like constellations placed delicately on my cheeks. I decided it was more rosey to see uniqueness in the world as a blessing. 

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I was finally grateful to have a whole galaxy of uniqueness wrapped inside this suit that houses my soul 

 

I started reading books. About mindset, nutrition, holistic health. I was learning how to care for and love myself.

 

I stopped blaming my younger self for the mistakes I had made and the damage I had done to my body because I understood I was just trying my best to breathe at the time.

 

My body started to feel even better and my thinking became more positive each day. 

 

I started journaling. Writing down things I was grateful for, affirmations, intentions, and my goals. 

 

I started to believe I was capable of obtaining my dreams and goals and more important -

I am worthy of feeling good in my soul suit. 

 

Everyone is worthy of feeling good in their soul suits. 

 

I was doing the inner work.

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But I craved more. 

 

I knew I wanted to share what I was learning with other humans.

 

To support and encourage healthy thinking and living. 

 

To be someone who can say “I was there sis, you can pull yourself out too.”

 

To believe in others the way I now believe in myself. 

 

I then discovered The Canadian School of Natural Nutrition where I took the natural nutrition program. I learned what holistic components were required to biologically live longer and feel better.

 

It was here I was introduced to a more intuitive approach to eating and living. 

 

I was allowing myself to break free of rules, diets, and rigidity and just learn to flow and do what felt right for me that day.

 

I felt free and truly comfortable in my skin for the first time in my entire life. 

 

The 2020 pandemic happened shortly after and that left me (like a lot of people) feeling a bit lost.

 

Between Being off work, missing my friends and family, losing baseball / sport teams I was on and loved, yoga studios closed, gyms closed. 

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Life closed. 

 

My body felt out of alignment and my heart felt lost once again. 

 

Intrusive, negative thoughts found their way of creeping back in.

 

I still to this day catch myself in a heavy feeling thought at times. Weighing the pit in my stomach down by reminding me of the destructiveness of my past.

 

When the pandemic hit my whole world felt out of control. 

 

On the verge of a relapse, but this time and every time after has been different.

 

I  am now quick to remember that I do not live there anymore. 

 

I am always able to find my way home to my heart now.

 

This time when things got hard - it was different. I was different. I knew what to do to pull me out of this funk. 

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I knew how to help myself with healthy, holistic, habits. 

 

I started yoga teacher training at this time. The timing felt right.

 

I learned far more skills than poses.

 

 I committed myself to a meditation practice.

 

I was doing the work.

 

Feeling better.

 

I knew the next right thing for me to do was share my story and help other humans because I know what it’s like to unintentionally but also completely on purpose bury yourself in self hatred and darkness.

 

Through my experiences I have also learned how to pull myself out time and time again and be a guiding light. 

 

That is what I am here to do for you.

 

Be that light. Be that ray of warm summer sun shining into the cracks of your brokenness so you can begin to heal. 

 

Provide you with do-able, sustainable, mindful habits. Free from calorie counting, fitbits, or judgment. 

 

The whole point is so you can feel safe and supported in your body, mind, and heart. 

 

This healing can help your light shine brighter in the areas of your life that you are called to. 

 

I can help you instill better habits to have more energy that can help you keep up with your kids, or job, or whatever it is in this world you feel called to do and love with all your heart.  

 

Together we will measure success by assessing:

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How energized your body is when your eyelids flutter open in the morning. 

How positive your state of mind is.

How intuitive your choices feel.

How often you laugh.

How much you sweat for fun.

How much fun you have.

How good you feel in your 

Body,

Mind,

& Heart. 

 

I can teach you what I know and help guide you to a place where you know what to do when your brain bullies you into believing you are not worthy.

 

This will help you feel safe around foods you love. 

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This will make you better at life.

 

Because when we show up for ourselves we are better able to show up for others.

 

I will show you how to show up for you. 

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I am here because diet culture did some fucked up shit to all of us.

 

I am here to remind you there is a way of living abundantly and feeling good without having the constant pressure to shrink yourself. 

 

I am here if you need help to see the light. 

 

I feel it in my bones. I was born to go through hell with my body and myself and lift myself up and out so I can pull others up and out of this fight. 

 

You do not need to fight with your body or your mind and break your own heart anymore.

 

You can be free from the shackles of self hatred and copious calorie calculations.

 

You are the reason why I am still here. 

 

This is why.

 

My soul was crafted from dough with stardust that glimmers when other women feel uplifted. 

 

You are who I want to inspire to rewrite your story so you can have your happy healed relationship with your body that is your birthright.

 

It is time to lean into healing your heart so you can make amends with your body and have a happier, more peaceful mind. 

 

It is time to be intentional and mindful of the words you speak to yourself. 

 

It is time to heal our minds, bodies, and hearts. 

 

It is time to focus our breath on compassion and let go of the toxic messages the world has been feeding us for years.

 

It is time to step into our best, happiest life. 

 

Let’s do it together. 

 

Together we will celebrate fortitude and conquer your wellness goals. 

 

I can help teach you see your wild oneness as a bountiful blessing.

 

I can help you reach inside the places that broke you, and help you climb out and not only reach the other side but learn to feel truly grateful for the deep dark depths of insecurity because from it we can draw inspiration, art, and reverence.

 

I can help you sift through the shards of your broken heart and take you step by step through how to make the truest and most beautiful collage from the experiences that once shattered you.

 

We will unpack the subconscious thoughts that make us believe that by being smaller we are more worthy.

 

Together we will lean into our knowledge and take up as much space as we damn well please and need to, to make our lives bright. 

 

We will work and become more mindful of what messages we are allowing our minds to absorb, how it impacts us, and what we can do to inspire change. 

 

We will work on becoming more mindful of what we are saying to our bodies, and how it hurts our hearts. 

 

We will work on becoming mindful of how gentle movement can make us feel more self aware

 

We will work on becoming more mindful of how we see food. More mindful of the habits we have around food. And how to eat in a way that feels freeing, easy, and makes our bodies feel energetic and strong. 

 

That’s what this 8 week mindfulness makeover will do for you.

 

Help you dig deeper.

Help you scoop out the pain.

 

One small habit at a time. 

 

I will be cheering you on one step at a time because I believe in my bones that you can lead a life full of self love and happiness.

 

I believe it with all that I am because I have done it myself. 

 

You can do it too.

 

8 weeks spent bettering yourself can transform your world.

 

Walk toward the happiest, more healthy version of you. 

 

Step one, use the sign up sheet below to set up a free 15 minute phone call where we can have a casual chat to answer any of your questions and ensure this program is right for you. 

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Can’t wait to talk to you.

 

All my light,

Carli

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